The Apartment

The following is an excerpt of my short story The Apartment.

Jimmy Clothier set his briefcase on the kitchen floor. He started for the fridge when he smelled cigarette smoke. Once before, when he first moved in to the unit, he had smelled his upstairs neighbour’s cooking. Then there had been some deterioration of the kitchen ventilation system. That was easily repaired by the building management.

Jimmy stooped beneath the stove intake vent and gave it a good sniff. Nothing. It was likely that someone had decided to sneak a cigarette in the hall without the knowledge of their wary spouse, he thought. Jimmy plucked a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon from the fridge and went into the living room.

“Care to share?”

Jimmy nearly dropped his beer. On the opposite side of the living room sat a statuesque blonde woman. Legs crossed, she smoothed one hand across her dark dress. She took a long drag on her cigarette and looked thoughtfully at Jimmy.

“Actually I would prefer something stronger. That is if you have it.”

Jimmy opened his beer and took a long drink.

“What’s the matter have you never seen a woman before?”

Jimmy started laughing. “You must be cracking up buddy. Just like in the old days, when we were kids. You’d have those waking dreams. All of sudden you would imagine that a fern plant was a hobo right in your living room. Then there was that time when Babe Ruth showed up in the garage. That stuff hasn’t happened in years. I must be working too damn hard.”

“Do you always refer to yourself in the third person? It’s a little odd.”

Jimmy laughed again. He went over to the chair for a closer look. He waved a hand in front of him. It passed right through where the woman’s chest should have been.

“If you’re gonna be that way you could at least offer me a drink.”

“This is really funny. It just seems so real.”

“That’s because I am real.”

“That’s not possible.”

“Hmm.”

“I think I spend too much time alone. I’m starting to see things.”

“You’re not seeing things.”

“Okay, I’ll play along. So do you come here often? Where are you from?”
“I live here.”

“That’s funny. I’ve lived here for about six months now and I’ve never seen you.”

“Actually it’s seven and a half, and I was glad when you moved in. The last tenant had a small child. Three years old. Kids that age are pretty good at sensing things. I had to spend most of my time in the front closet. Not too much of a life really. Then you came along and I was hopeful.”

“Huh. That’s interesting. Actually those people seemed like kind of a pain in the ass to me.”

“Tell me about it.”

Jimmy held out his beer. “Care for a sip.”

The woman laughed and rolled her eyes. “Thank you, but I can’t. I’m watching my weight.”

“That’s good. I mean not that you really need to. Hah. This is great. Thirty-five years old and I’m just now getting an imaginary friend.”

“I’ve been meaning to ask you about that. What’s the deal? You’re not a bad looking guy. Unless maybe, you don’t like girls?”

“I like them a lot when they’re not a pain in the ass, which is almost never.”

The woman laughed so hard she coughed.

“We are good at that aren’t we? Men’s reactions are always priceless. Especially when they try to fix everything. That part makes it all worthwhile. They are so determined that they have all the answers. Oh, I miss those days.”

“Well I think it’s time to get back to reality before I fall off the edge of the world. Ball game is starting.”

“I never really watched it much to be honest with you.”

Jimmy flipped on the remote and continued to hit the up button until he found the sports channel. “Okay now is about the time when you were just leaving. This figment of my imagination was kind of cool at first, but now it’s just getting a little weird.”

“So you’re sending me back to the closet?”

“Okay, whoever you are. You can go now.”

“I was here before you. At least you could be a good host.”

“Unbelievable. How can the Jays be losing to Kansas City? Okay seriously, if you’ve always been in my head, how come I have never seen you before?”

The woman took a long drag of her cigarette. “That’s because I’m not inside your head. I live here.”

“That’s funny. I’m pretty sure I don’t know you. I mean you don’t resemble anyone I have ever come across in my life. You do remind me a little of Lauren Bacall. But that’s about it.

“That’s cute. I thought about doing the dye job thing, but it’s just not me. Lauren Bacall? That’s nice. I like that. Although I think you really you should watch some more recent movies.”

Jimmy nodded. “So you just kind of hang around here like a ghost?”
“Stop it. I am a resident here. This is my place.”

“So can you watch me all the time, like a spirit?”

“Honestly you’re really not that interesting. Especially those things you do in the bathroom. If you ever get a girl over here, don’t do those things.”
“I really don’t want to do this anymore.”

“So you want me to go back to the closet?”

“Yes. I mean no. I mean. What are you doing here? Why is this happening?”

“IT is happening because you moved into my place. We could have a relationship that would make August Strindberg blush, but I really don’t want that.”

“Relationship? I think I’m starting to like this imaginary friend thing.”
“Don’t get any great ideas. I can’t fuck you. I’ve already figured that one out.”
“Whoah. I never said anything like that.”

“But you were thinking it.”

“Well you are pretty good looking. If for some reason I am going to have an imaginary friend, I’m glad it’s you.”

“Whatever floats your boat. Just stop calling me imaginary. It makes me feel weird.”

“Okay. I guess. So this is a thing?”

“It’s not a THING. You live here now, with me. I don’t really have much of a choice in roommates, but I think you’re okay.”

“This place is fucked up. I could put in a request for another unit. Might take a while though.”

“May I ask you to reconsider? I really don’t want any weirdos living here. You are relatively normal. It’s a definite plus.”

Jimmy stood up and walked closer to the chair where the woman sat. He looked closer into her eyes. Her expression remained unchanged. A smile crept across her face.

“I have errands to run. I will leave you to your baseball and I will see you later.”

“Hey wait.”

But the woman was gone. Jimmy ran his hand back and forth across the place where the woman had sat. But there was nothing. He sat down in the chair and ran his hand over the wood on the seat. It felt cold.

Jimmy stood up. He paced to the front door and then back to the chair. He tried it again. Still no sign of the woman. He went to the kitchen and then darted back into the living room. But the woman wasn’t there. Jimmy picked up his beer. He unlatched the lock on the balcony door and stepped outside. He watched a teenage couple argue in the parking lot. Apparently sensing his presence the boy looked up at him. Jimmy averted his eyes to focus instead on the light traffic travelling East on the Gardiner Expressway. He watched the lights whiz by for a moment, then decided to head back inside.

Jimmy found neither sign of the woman nor any trace of the cigarette smoke. He went to the fridge and pulled another can of beer from the plastic ring. He shook his head at the thought of the woman. It had to be a mirage. It was kind of like driving too long in the desert, he thought. Or the white line fever the highway truck drivers sometimes complained about. He opened a can of stew and poured it into a pot. He turned the burner on medium and returned to the living room and the ball game.

The next day Jimmy rushed home eagerly from work, opting to skip the grocery store trip he so desperately needed. He unlocked his door and raced into the living room. The chair that the woman had occupied was empty. Jimmy walked the perimeter of his apartment looking for any signs of cigarette smoke but found none. He realized he could not sit still. He scooped his car keys from the kitchen counter and left the apartment.

“Jimmy! Fancy seeing you here on a Wednesday night. Girl trouble?”

“Something like that.”

The bartender placed a pint of Molson Canadian on the bar in front of Jimmy.

“Glad to see you. Pretty dead here tonight.”

“It’s baseball season. So everyone’s home playing poker.”

A girl sitting two seats away from Jimmy started to snicker. She did not look at Jimmy or the bartender but drew on the straw in her drink and kept her eyes trained on the baseball game.

Jimmy clapped. “Well at least we have one baseball fan here.”

The girl put her drink down on the bar and looked at Jimmy directly, catching him off guard.In an attempt to avoid an awkward moment, Jimmy quickly jumped in. “Do you follow baseball?”

“Unfortunately. I had a boyfriend who played for the Syracuse Chiefs. The Jays called him up but he never saw the field except for practice. He eventually got picked up by Tampa Bay. That was the end of that. And now, I watch baseball.”

“That’s interesting.”

“Not really. But he got me hooked on this game so I guess I didn’t come away empty handed.”

“Hmm. Krista this lady looks like she is running a little low. Bring her another one of those.”

“Thank you. I appreciate it much.”

“No problem. You look about the same as I feel.”

“I guess maybe. I’m Dawn.”

“Jimmy.”

“Nice to meet you. Fellow baseball fan.”

The bartender set a Cosmopolitan down in front of Dawn.

“Thanks. Damn I wish you could still smoke in these places. Do you smoke?”

“A cigar, once in a while.”

“Oh.”

Dawn tucked the cigarette pack back in her pocket. “Bad habit anyway.”

Jimmy took a long drink of his beer. “You’ve gotta have something.”

“That’s true. Cheers.”

Dawn raised her glass toward Jimmy and he clinked it.

“To Wednesdays.”

“To Wednesdays. Good old hump day. I guess at least maybe for some.”
“Not for me.”

“I hear that.”

“You never heard from your baseball player again?”

“Nope.”

“Maybe you should try another sport.”

Dawn eyed Jimmy coyly.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to sound as cruel as it came out.”
“That’s okay. I like your sense of humour. If you don’t mind my asking what kind of girl trouble are you having?”

Jimmy set his beer on the bar. He eyed Dawn squarely.

“Can I tell you something?”

“Sure. I’ll give you my best opinion. Although I can’t guarantee it’ll benefit you in any way. I am somewhat drunk.”

“I’m not. I’m also not crazy. Although two minutes from now you might think so.”
“Okay. Mr. Jimmy tell me your troubles.”

“Alright. I came home the other day and there was a girl in my apartment.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh but I think I’ve had this dream before. I hate it when I wake up and he’s gone.”

“It wasn’t a dream. She was really there.”

“That’s different. What do you do for a living?”

“I sell software for an IBM partner company.”

“And do you work a lot of hours?”

“Yes. But that’s not the point. The thing is I came home to my place and she was there.”

“Was she lost? I mean did she somehow get into your apartment by mistake?”

“No. I don’t think so. She said she lived there.”

“I don’t really buy into a lot of that shit. But my sister is seriously into studying ghosts. She calls it Paranormal Activity. She wanted to try and make a living out of it, but there isn’t much of a call for Ghostbusters these days.”
“So you believe me?”

“Well you don’t look crazy to me. Sometimes shit happens that we just can’t explain. My advice is for you to confront this thing head on. Ask her what the fuck she’s doing there and then tell her to get the fuck out. If that fails call the Vatican. Just joking. But seriously dude, do you like living there? Or do you have like some brutal lease?”

“I like it there.”

“Well then my advice to you is to tell this chick to go.”

Jimmy returned to his apartment. He dropped his keys on the counter and surveyed the place. Although he felt more than a little strange, he felt a need to do a more in depth search of his place. Jimmy dropped to his knees. He took a good long look under the couch. He then checked the bathroom. He walked out onto the balcony and took a look around. He sat down on the couch. The girl was nowhere to be found.

Jimmy went to the kitchen. There were two beers left on the plastic ring in the fridge. He grabbed the plastic ring by an empty loop and took it out. He added ‘buy beer’ to the grocery list on the fridge door and headed into the living room to watch the baseball game.

Jimmy tossed and turned in a fitful sleep until he realized he was being disturbed by the sound of TV channels continuously being flipped. His first reaction was that his neighbor, a young tradesman had returned home from a late shift. Then he realized that the sound was much closer. Jimmy stepped out of bed and headed for the living room. He stopped just before he reached the front foyer. He sniffed the air for cigarette smoke but didn’t notice any.

“Is that you in my living room?”

“Gimme a whiskey, ginger ale on the side.”

The voice was that of Greta Garbo eminating from the TV.
“Are you in there?”

“Would you be shocked if I put on something more comfortable?”

This time it was Jean Harlow.

“All of these channels and still can’t find anything on.”

Jimmy entered his living room to find the woman sitting in the chair watching a flickering TV screen. She fished a cigarette out of the pack and lit up. Feeing his balance become unsteady, Jimmy sat down on the couch. The woman smiled warmly at him. He couldn’t bring himself to look directly at her, and instead spoke in the direction of the TV.

“You’re back.”

The woman only smiled. Jimmy shook his head, he tried to stand up, but then sat back down again.

“I still don’t believe this is happening.”

“Nor do I. I’ve been so lonely for so long and now I have you. I’m sure you must have been lonely too.”

“I don’t know what I’m feeling right now.”

“You don’t have to be lonely anymore, now you have me.”

“But I don’t have you. I don’t even know what you’re doing here. Where did you come from?”

“I moved in here in 1972.”

“And when did you leave?”

“I’ve always lived here. I just didn’t want to freak you out when you first moved in.”

“I mean when did you…die?”

“That’s very personal. I don’t feel comfortable discussing it. It’s all irrelevant anyway. Except maybe for the physical part. I may disappoint you there but I’m sure we can find a way around it.”

“Who are you?”

“No, I just don’t feel that you accept me yet. I wouldn’t want you getting any wrong ideas about me. I like you. I’m trying to make a good impression.”
“What is your name?”

“Elizabeth.”

“I’m Jimmy.”

“Nice to meet you.”

Jimmy stood up. He approached Elizabeth slowly. She sat looking up at him smiling.
“Elizabeth?”

“Yes?”

“It’s time for you to go.”

“I won’t leave here. I can’t. I’m not making that mistake again.”

“I live here now and you don’t. You need to go.”

“There is nowhere for me to go. Besides maybe I can help you.”

“The best thing you can do for me is leave.”

“Don’t do this to me. I want to stay here with you.”

“Leave now.”

“If that’s the way you want it. I’ll go.”

“And how will I know you’re really gone?”

“You’ll feel me gone.”

Jimmy found himself staring at an empty chair. He felt a chill run down his spine. He immediately went to his bedroom and slipped on his bath robe. He tipped the chair back, tucked it under his arms and pulled it out into the hall. He tipped it sideways and stood it up on one leg but found he still couldn’t get the right armrest all the way into the elevator.

“Can I give you a hand with that?”

Jimmy attempted a smile at his next door neighbor standing in front of the elevator.
“Thanks.”

“I think if you pull and I push, we might just get it in.”

“But then where will you…”

“I’ll wait for the next one.”

With some amount of jostling the chair was fit into the elevator. As the door closed Jimmy hit the button for P1, the first level of the parking garage and home to the building’s garbage room.

“Thanks Krista.”

“Cheers Hon.”

Jimmy put his lips to the cold pint glass and took a long drink.

“Ahhh. There’s nothing like that first sip is there? I mean the other ones are pretty good too. But that first sip.”

“Sure you get to sit on that side of the bar. Go rub it in why don’t you? By the way did you ever solve that girl problem of yours?”

“I think so. I mean I actually don’t know.”

“What did you do?”

“I just told in a not too polite way that she should leave. I haven’t heard from her since.” Jimmy took another drink of his beer. “She could still be there, maybe she’s just making herself invisible the way they do you know?” You wanna know something really fucking stupid though?”

“What now?”

“It’s been two weeks and I actually find myself missing her.”

“You know that girl Susan you were talking to a few weeks ago? She’s been coming in on Wednesdays a lot. Maybe you should break pattern. You know what I mean? Come in here on a Wednesday. She’s not too shabby and she’s no head case the way most of us are.”

“I don’t think I’m interested in dating right now.”

“I used to read a lot of Leonard Cohen when I was a student. He had this line ‘I’m fucking the dead people now’.”

“Very funny.”

“I guess it’s a lot easier having an imaginary friend. They usually don’t talk back.”

“This one did. I think that’s what I liked about her. She had a lot of character. Kind of like the girl who plays hard to get, but sticks around anyway.”

“I had a neighbor like that once. He knew a little bit about everything. He was so cool to talk to, but he never came onto me. I wanted to get into his pants so bad, but he ignored my signals.”

“I don’t know what to do. All of a sudden my place seems so empty. It kind of gets you down. She told me that she knew things and that she could help me. What do you think she knows?”

“Who knows? She’s dead right? She’s probably even watches you when you take a pee. Have you tried talking to her?”

“I’ve tried that.”

“Nothing?”

Jimmy shook his head and took a long drink of his beer.

“You know what? I think I will break pattern.”

“Hey, good for you.”

“I’m going to break pattern by ordering a shot of Jack Daniels to go with this.”

Jimmy slowed as he passed by the garbage room in his parking garage. Through the open door he could see his chair leaning up against the same wall where he had left it. Why was it still there? Did it not fit in the garbage truck. Maybe someone scooped it up and brought it home and then their wife rejected it.

Nonetheless there it stood. Jimmy backed his car up to the door of the garbage room. He was able to fit half of the chair in his trunk. He rigged up a bungee cord to hold down the trunk long enough to get to his parking space.

Jimmy was glad that he had learned the right way to fit the chair into the elevator from the first time around. He sat in his living room and stared at it. He had opened a beer for himself and placed a glass of red wine on the armrest of the chair for Elizabeth. Jimmy walked over to the chair. He eyed the wine carefully before sitting back down on the couch. He picked up his beer and took a drink.

“What’s the matter? You don’t like the wine? Maybe I should have given you milk and cookies. Might’ve pissed you off enough to ask for something else. You know if you don’t show up soon I might change my mind and start seeing someone else.”

Jimmy looked at the chair and waited, but nothing happened.

“Fuck. I can’t take sitting here alone anymore and talking to myself.”

Jimmy opened the door on the end table beside him and pulled out the yellow pages. He held his beer with his left hand while he thumbed through the Escort ads.

“That looks pretty good.”

He dialed the bolded phone number on the bottom of an ad that featured a girl who looked eerily like Elizabeth.

“Yes, I’d like an escort please. Well actually I was hoping I could get the girl in the ad. Why is that funny? No I don’t wish I could have the mannequin when I go to Sears. Do you? Hello? Fine well do you have a girl who looks like that model? Great, I’ll give you my address.”

Within thirty minutes Jimmy’s intercom system buzzed. The girl that appeared at his door looked very much like the girl in the ad except that she wore a grey jogging suit and had her hair in a ponytail.

“Wow, you guys are faster than Mamma’s Pizza.”

“Yeah and we smell different.”

“So this is it?”

The girl patted the side of the suitcase she held.

“Honey you called ‘Show Girls’ escorts. I can be anything you want me to be. I transform. So what’ll it be? I can do French Maid, Supergirl, Madonna?”
“Which Madonna?”

“’Over The Border Line era’. Early Madonna. Slutty and hot.”

“That sounds good.”

“Where’s your bathroom?”

Within five minutes the girl emerged from the bathroom. She had Madonna’s early look down pat, right down to the mole above her lip.
“That is pretty good.”

“So what’s your pleasure?”

“What?”

“What are you into? Do you want me to whip you? You wanna be spanked? Or do you just want to fuck? I’ll tell you right now that anal is not in my job description. Anything else goes.”

“Oh, well I don’t want to have sex with you. I mean you are pretty hot, but that’s not why I called.”

“So what’s the deal?”

“Can we go out in the hall for a minute?”

“Okay?”

They stepped out into the hall and Jimmy closed the door carefully behind them.
“Here’s the thing. The reason why I called you is that I want to make someone jealous.”

“Where is she?”

“She lives in my living room. I probably should have shown you. She sits in a chair on the other side of the room. I know you can’t see her but I’m sure she’s there.”

“Look, I don’t know what weird shit you’re into all I know is that I don’t want to wind up in your freezer before the end of the night. You, are going to wait here. I am going to go in there and get changed. And then I’m going to leave.”

“Can you at least strut around a bit in there?”

“I have mace and I know how to use it. Wait here.”

Jimmy sat down on the hall floor and leaned up against the wall. Within ten minutes his door opened and the girl appeared.

“You know normally I’m supposed to charge a twenty-five dollar minimum fee. But this is just too fucking weird and I don’t want to fill out the paperwork at the office. Goodbye.”

Jimmy stepped back into his apartment that now seemed emptier than ever.
“There I hope you’re happy. You won’t give me the time of day and yet I can’t seem to have anyone else here.”

Jimmy could smell the cigarette smoke. He looked over at the chair.

“Uh, uh. I’m over here.”

Elizabeth stood leaning against the balcony door.

“You’re back?”

“Um, yeah, back. By the way, that whole chair thing. That was very touching. An interesting approach, but very motivating.”

Jimmy walked toward Elizabeth.

“That’s close enough for now, okay? Any closer and things are gonna get a little weird, for you.”

“Okay.”

Jimmy took a seat in Elizabeth’s chair.

“That girl that was here, is it serious?”

Jimmy blushed with embarrassment.

“I’m just teasing. Makeup was pretty good. I was hoping she would sing.”

“She was no one.”

“I know that you dummy.”

“I’m just glad you’re back.”

“You know those were some pretty mean things you said to me. I could have gone ten years without you ever seeing me again. I’ve done it before. Then of course someone always brings over a dog that won’t stop barking. Makes it hard for me to keep quiet.”

“So you were here all the time? You’re always here.”

“Well, almost always. Like I told you before there are other things I need to do.”
“So where do you go?”

“That I can’t show you.”

“Why not?”

“It would drive you mad and I can’t have that.”

“Well, I want to see you all the time. Can we arrange that?”

“First of all I need my space, just as much as you do. And then there are things you would see that you wouldn’t like.”

Jimmy was dumbfounded. He couldn’t look directly at Elizabeth, but just stared at the wall.

“Jimmy don’t be sad. You can talk to me anytime you want and I’ll listen. When I can, I’ll make my presence known. That’s the best I can give you, for now. But I am going to tell you something. If you can’t see me, don’t go out of your way to try and find me. Some people who have lived here and sensed me tried all kinds of things. Noise detectors and other things. It gets pretty annoying. Some of that equipment is getting pretty sophisticated these days. There is a chance that you might actually wind up seeing something you didn’t want to see. I will have to leave and you won’t see me again.”

“Okay. I’ll give it my best try.”

“How can I help you sir?”

“I need some equipment for my apartment.”

“Alright. How many doors and windows do you have?”

“Well, it’s a one bedroom apartment. One balcony door, a front door and a bedroom window.”

“And what floor do you live on?”

“Twenty-third.”

“Okay. Well our solution for an apartment that size would be to wire the front door and balcony door.”

“What about the bedroom window?”

“Typically it would be near impossible for anyone to break in that way so you don’t have a lot to worry about.”

“What if I wanted to keep someone in?”

“I’m sorry sir, I should have asked if you have children.”

“Oh, no I don’t. Okay here’s the thing. I have a spirit living in my house and I want to be able to track whether she is coming or going.”

“I really don’t think I can help you there.”

“I’m sure you must have some sort of infrared motion sensor or something.”

“Only for tracking the movement of people. I can’t guarantee that anything is going to help you with spirits. It would be wrong of me to sell it to you.”

“Is there anything you can recommend?”

“I go to trade shows a couple of times a year to see the new stuff and keep tabs with suppliers. There is a guy in Pennsylvania who sells the kind of stuff you need. You can probably find him on the internet. Until now I always wondered who buys that stuff. Maybe I should start carrying it. Trouble is I would never be able to get my daughter out of the store.”

Jimmy wheeled the dolly into the middle of the living room. He hauled a massive Yucca plant onto the floor and pushed it in front of the balcony door. The other Yucca plant, he placed by the front door. He inspected each plant carefully to ensure that the motion sensor devices tucked into the pots were well concealed and yet fully functional.


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